All so easy to say. But I absolutely must live in the present. Each moment to the next, I must engage in my full experience. If I don’t like the experience, then I change it in the present moment. I stay focused on the tightrope and press forward one jaw-clenching step at a time. And previous mishaps, miscalculations or bad judgements don’t amount to anything other than distant pangs of distress in the mind.
Being present is accepting the reality of every moment. Letting go of the past clears the day to take action.
And then there is the science. I suppose you could consider scientific fact a history of sorts. I mean technically the scientific discoveries all happened in the past and our application of this knowledge is happening in present time.
For me, I am still struggling to understand the science behind my cancer. Tomorrow I meet my Radiation Oncologist at Barrow Clinic for the first time. So this time tomorrow, that appointment will also be a memory. I pray it is a good one.
My hunger is insatiable. I am sure the steroids are talking, but I just can’t get enough food.
And when any flavor passes over my tongue, it’s euphoric. I am enjoying food as life’s nectar. I study the ingredients of food I have eaten my whole life and am perplexed by the list of chemicals I have slowly funnelled into my soul.
No more. I only want to nourish my body with healthy, whole foods that give me strength. Eating is a sheer joy that I am blessed to be able to fully experience. Not only does the food nourish my body, but the experience lightens my heart. It connects me to the earth community.
I build my strength one bite at a time. I take my time to savor nature’s bounty. I pull my diet from earth’s garden. I let Mother Earth into my gut. And she heals me from within.
My preliminary biopsy findings are perplexing. I need a medical degree to understand them. So like I said yesterday, I wait for a new horizon of knowledge and discovery. I am poised at the bow breaking on uncharted waters. Let’s sail!
I always want answers immediately. So much so, I rush through the experience of discovery.
Today I did NOT learn of the specific biological source of my brain cancer. And I believe that today’s truth was not ready to be revealed. The universe has a reveal planned. And the truth will set me free when it is ready.
I am reminded of a life affirming musical that defined my childhood, the musical RENT. The characters lament the famous words at full belt in the finale climatic moment of the show.
“No Day But Today”.
This one phrase sings at the heart of the matter. We are given each moment in life as it comes, in sweet succession. And truth is revealed in manageable packets of data that only present itself when we are ready to absorb the answer fully.
And I am ready to let the river wash over me in discovery. I am ready for answers, and the sea of questions lurking behind the wave.
I am blessed to have pause tonight. I sleep in a layer of hope so thick it permeates to my core. Hope stems from a well in the bottom of my soul and radiates outward in every direction. Like a magnificent white light, this hope extends in all directions and in time space. My loving relationships with countless souls across the planet sprinkle across my mind like rain drops in remembrance. And I embrace the sweet, life-affirming droplets of joy.
We all want more answers, while the questions are what spark creation! There is hope. Today hope is my only truth. And I will take that for all it’s worth.
The details of the past 12 days are incomprehensible, and I feel like a lifetime away from understanding what has transpired.
But for today, I am safe. I am loved. I feel so fortunate to have been blessed with a spiritual awakening. The spirit awakens in me like never before. The spark of life has enflamed my entire being.
I am joy personified, and I will not give up until as many people feel this joy as possible.
I have brain cancer. That is a simple fact. The biopsy results come in soon. I hope to learn tomorrow the type of cancer cells in my brain tumor, which takes up space in over three sections of my brain.
So my hope is to write a very extensive report about all the medical findings soon.
Until then, know I feel so blessed to have experienced this spiritual shift. Life seems so simple now, precious, uncluttered, and clear as summer rain.
Follow my journey, friends, on this page. I have never prided myself on my writing, but my heart should shine through the un-edited prose.
I love you all deeply. Take stock in this day. We rise again from the ashes. Let’s take flight, together!