We had breakfast together. Put down our phones. We asked questions of each other and keenly listened to the answers. Turns out my brother is doing some pretty amazing work of his own. I am so proud of him and the level of excellence he is achieving in life.
He is part of my pride, my family unit. So strong a bond we formed that seldom nothing comes between us. And at the root of this bond is communication.
We ask a question. And we wait for the response.
We process the response. And then we take action. And this is what I know of listening. True listening is action. It is not passive. It engages.
I could not imagine my childhood without my brother. I am so blessed to have shared my formative years with him. He continues to inspire me with his intellect. But mostly, he is the hardest working father I have ever witnessed. Strength and endurance runs strong in my kin. We are survivors. We are spirit warriors. We boldly dare to communicate with pure unadulterated honesty.
Once you have been completely honest, you are set free. Let your spirit soar!
I try so hard to remember the date, and my new home address, and all the hospital logins. This is the first part of my mind I feel I am struggling to keep in tact. It is my only indicator of any cognitive problems. But funny enough, I have always had this problem. So now I have the perfect excuse, what a relief! How liberating. I am cavalier. I have always been.
The old show from decades past “This is Your Life” keeps coming to mind. As a lifetime of friends circle around me in my time of need, I feel each intimate human connection so powerfully sealed through time. Like a vintage wax stamp, the seal is tight and warm. The wax comforts the bonds of love. It protects our relationship to each other and in the presence of the spirit. And together I feel like I am on this journey with everyone. Side by side, holding hands we march bravely into the abyss. “Into the woods we go again, we have to every now and then.”
Information is being revealed at a speed greater than my poor head can process. The cosmic humor of the situation makes me bust my gut with laughter. And it reminds me how healing laughter is.
I want to take the weekend to laugh. To just do silly things, and watch silly movies, and feel like I am not on the precipice of spiritual epiphany.
Doctors don’t have a very optimistic prognosis AT THE MOMENT… But hope still exists on the molecular level. I still believe in this fight. And I laugh in the face of fear!!!
All so easy to say. But I absolutely must live in the present. Each moment to the next, I must engage in my full experience. If I don’t like the experience, then I change it in the present moment. I stay focused on the tightrope and press forward one jaw-clenching step at a time. And previous mishaps, miscalculations or bad judgements don’t amount to anything other than distant pangs of distress in the mind.
Being present is accepting the reality of every moment. Letting go of the past clears the day to take action.
And then there is the science. I suppose you could consider scientific fact a history of sorts. I mean technically the scientific discoveries all happened in the past and our application of this knowledge is happening in present time.
For me, I am still struggling to understand the science behind my cancer. Tomorrow I meet my Radiation Oncologist at Barrow Clinic for the first time. So this time tomorrow, that appointment will also be a memory. I pray it is a good one.
My hunger is insatiable. I am sure the steroids are talking, but I just can’t get enough food.
And when any flavor passes over my tongue, it’s euphoric. I am enjoying food as life’s nectar. I study the ingredients of food I have eaten my whole life and am perplexed by the list of chemicals I have slowly funnelled into my soul.
No more. I only want to nourish my body with healthy, whole foods that give me strength. Eating is a sheer joy that I am blessed to be able to fully experience. Not only does the food nourish my body, but the experience lightens my heart. It connects me to the earth community.
I build my strength one bite at a time. I take my time to savor nature’s bounty. I pull my diet from earth’s garden. I let Mother Earth into my gut. And she heals me from within.
My preliminary biopsy findings are perplexing. I need a medical degree to understand them. So like I said yesterday, I wait for a new horizon of knowledge and discovery. I am poised at the bow breaking on uncharted waters. Let’s sail!
I always want answers immediately. So much so, I rush through the experience of discovery.
Today I did NOT learn of the specific biological source of my brain cancer. And I believe that today’s truth was not ready to be revealed. The universe has a reveal planned. And the truth will set me free when it is ready.
I am reminded of a life affirming musical that defined my childhood, the musical RENT. The characters lament the famous words at full belt in the finale climatic moment of the show.
“No Day But Today”.
This one phrase sings at the heart of the matter. We are given each moment in life as it comes, in sweet succession. And truth is revealed in manageable packets of data that only present itself when we are ready to absorb the answer fully.
And I am ready to let the river wash over me in discovery. I am ready for answers, and the sea of questions lurking behind the wave.
I am blessed to have pause tonight. I sleep in a layer of hope so thick it permeates to my core. Hope stems from a well in the bottom of my soul and radiates outward in every direction. Like a magnificent white light, this hope extends in all directions and in time space. My loving relationships with countless souls across the planet sprinkle across my mind like rain drops in remembrance. And I embrace the sweet, life-affirming droplets of joy.
We all want more answers, while the questions are what spark creation! There is hope. Today hope is my only truth. And I will take that for all it’s worth.
The details of the past 12 days are incomprehensible, and I feel like a lifetime away from understanding what has transpired.
But for today, I am safe. I am loved. I feel so fortunate to have been blessed with a spiritual awakening. The spirit awakens in me like never before. The spark of life has enflamed my entire being.
I am joy personified, and I will not give up until as many people feel this joy as possible.
I have brain cancer. That is a simple fact. The biopsy results come in soon. I hope to learn tomorrow the type of cancer cells in my brain tumor, which takes up space in over three sections of my brain.
So my hope is to write a very extensive report about all the medical findings soon.
Until then, know I feel so blessed to have experienced this spiritual shift. Life seems so simple now, precious, uncluttered, and clear as summer rain.
Follow my journey, friends, on this page. I have never prided myself on my writing, but my heart should shine through the un-edited prose.
I love you all deeply. Take stock in this day. We rise again from the ashes. Let’s take flight, together!