November 5th 2020. I hold on.

There are so many things happening and the pace of life is accelerating. I try to pause to reflect and take stock of this journey, and I can’t. I cant slow it down. Trying makes things worse. Trying to stop the flood of decisions is like building Hoover Dam. So I am left plunging into the depths of the Colorado River and let this unstoppable force take me for a while. The waters will recede once again, but I must first keep swimming. Like the line from my favorite Pixar film, I need to just “keep swimming”.

My father’s health has been a constant worry. After surviving a heart attack about three weeks ago and a multiple by pass surgery, he is not the same man I knew. He has about 20% of his heart function left and his mind and body is very weak. I do not see an easy path for him. I am also uncertain if his needs surpass my abilities to care for him. It is a terrible choice I have to make.

So I just keep swimming. I need to focus on my own healing first and let my friends, my family, and my partner pull me to shore. I know the waters will carry us all toward what ever fate awaits. Matching life vests have been deployed. I hold on…

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