I accept I have made some bad decisions in my life. And I also accept that some of my worse decisions were sometimes the most fun! The decisions I am making lately don’t seem to rank very high in terms of significance, and yet everyday I choose treatment to my body to suffocate every last neuron in my brain. I move through these days of quarantine and restrictions with a sense of being uncomfortably numb. The decisions I make everyday ever polarize my brain into two camps. On one side I want to run outside without a mask, drink stupid amounts of wine, max out my credit cards, and recklessly spiral in fits of joy. On the other side, I wear a lab coat and a hazmat suit. I hold a calculator, a thermometer, a calendar, and a pill case. Those camps will never be at peace. It is my struggle to allow the joy to enter my life and not let the lens of fighting cancer be so consuming.
So catch and release, like the lyrics tell me from a great tune by Matt Simons. I have to find those moments of joy everyday. I have to turn every stone. And the rolling stone gathers no moss, yadda yadda, kaplooee! I take life so seriously! My inner child is screaming at me. I need to pay more attention to him. It’s 5:23 am and I can’t sleep, and these are the thoughts keeping me from falling back to sleep.