July 30th 2020. Today I love my best.

I can’t begin today without acknowledging my absence from keeping this journal alive. Just like I noticed this week one of my plants that died because I did not water it enough. Lord knows I had the time. But my drive had faded. I lacked the interest in keeping my beautiful plant thriving. I barely did enough just to keep the dead leaves from falling off. A good friend took the plant to his house to rescue it and nurse it back to health in the comfort of a shaded area in his yard. And I felt such a sense of relief that someone cared for this poor little dried out vine. I always loved that plant. So what happened I asked myself?

But it is not just a dead plant, it is a sign of what I had lost. I had let my writing slip. I seldom meditate anymore. I stopped exercising and taking walks. I blamed COVID. I blamed cancer treatment. I blamed this Godforsaken heat! I made further excuses, like unemployment made me bored or my anti-depressants had failed. I was in a rut. I took my frustration and inner angst out on people who didn’t deserve to be treated that way. And all for what?

I think we are all in a rut. My doctors, my nurses, my friends, my family, we all hurt right now longing for a time when loving wasn’t filtered . So I make a choice, today. With every fiber of my being I confirm and affirm all of me with love. I dedicate my life to love. Not just to lift myself up out of the darkness, but to spread my light with whomever is able to receive it. And although I started this journal to communicate the subtlety of my treatments, I in the end have begun a process of understanding and self-forgiveness that is near divine. And I am so very grateful for all of those who have walked this path with me through the memories, the present, and our glorious future together. There are miracles to behold. Hold on. My plant will bloom again and so will I.