January 4th 2020. Today I express doubt.

Doubt is an ugly thing. And the last thing I should focus on. But inevitably, those nasty vampires of doubt have snuck into my fortress. So how do I clear them out? I don’t have time for these cursed thoughts to take residency in my brain.

Like my mom would have said, “you take baby steps”. No giant leaps right now. No trust falls or even sprints. I accept that right now I may not be as sharp as I once was, or my short term memory may not be in full gear. And that is to be expected. Do you know that I often forget I have brain cancer? So when I am hard on myself, I almost have to catch myself and shake my conscious awareness up. And pull back and be grateful for the talents I do have, and not focus on the faculties that are failing me.

I will be shown the way. And if my abilities and faculties change due to my brain tumor, then I will have to adjust that path. The one path I want to stay on is the one of journaling. I know my entries began as a need to tell all my friends and family how my medical journey is going. But for me, these entries have served for lack of a better term as a “conversation with the Divine.” Not the almighty divine, but the divinity that lives in all of us. I share the voice of my soul with you and right now it is my saving grace. So thank you all who read this journal for providing an audience for this stream of consciousness. You give my thoughts power and meaning when you read them. And I am so grateful for this exchange. I am certain that no doubt exists in the hearts and minds of my followers. And in everyone’s support I find the strength to defeat doubt and blow it all away!

4 Replies to “January 4th 2020. Today I express doubt.”

  1. You are amazing!! I pray for you every night to whatever or whoever will hear me! You will win this fight with your light and strength 😘


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