As many of you know who follow me closely, today I saw my Neuro-Oncologist. I had an MRI on Monday, which I had hoped revealed some new miracles to behold. But just as my cancer is very slow growing, it is also very slow healing. There has been very little change from a month ago, and all the medical staff who were present during the appointment were all very pleased with the results. Meanwhile deep down inside the New Yorker in me came out and I was more like… What the fuck?!?!? How long does it take to cure cancer!?!?! I mean come on already. (hehehe)
But it does take time, a lot of time, I mean potentially a decade. Yes, the reality is that this journey really is a marathon. Which is one of the greatest frustrations of this process. The very thing that I am trying to lengthen (my time on this amazing planet) is being spent fighting a disease that is shortening that time. The fact is, I am fighting for my life every moment of my existence. This life affirming mission I continue to commit to, day in and day out. And no MRI or medical chart should define how I should feel. I choose life. I choose positivity. I choose to live my life, because it’s given to me to live.
So today I really understand that a scan is just a scan. It has no meaning. I am the one to give it meaning. Just like with every step of this journey, I have been guided through it with grace and beauty. And I continue to listen to that voice from deep within my being. So the meaning for me of the results today is to let go of the sides of the river. I let my raft drift toward the raging waterfall. And I am not afraid of going over the edge. Because deep down inside I have this tiny little seed-sized thought that is growing. I see my boat turning into a plane right when I need to take flight, and gliding over the falls in perfect glory. If I sow the seeds now, they will sprout right when I need them to push me over the final finish line, the victory over this terrible disease.