March 13, 2021. To everything there is a season.
Fall is defined by loss, the loss of leaves and of momentum. Melancholy and faithful we all sat in prayer and prayed desperately for change. Change in temperatures, change in politics, change in spirit. And through the dim cold nights we slept under the same star speckled sky. Our eyes would meet on occasion through …
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February 6th 2021. Today I Touch Base.
Where have I been? I have to ask myself this often, to take stock. Mentally I feel great. The move in with my boyfriend has gone swimmingly. Combining our lives has been so rewarding in multiple ways. My boyfriend, Mike and I are so happy to have this time together to discover a deeper love. …
Tuesday, December 15, 2020. Today I let my higher power do the heavy lifting.
It is the dawn of a beautiful season. My love and I have been listening to Christmas music to get in the spirit. And this year seems especially hard and not just for me, but for the world. I pray now daily. I try to focus on gratitude, on what really matters in life. I …
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November 5th 2020. I hold on.
There are so many things happening and the pace of life is accelerating. I try to pause to reflect and take stock of this journey, and I can’t. I cant slow it down. Trying makes things worse. Trying to stop the flood of decisions is like building Hoover Dam. So I am left plunging into …
September 16th 2020. Today I release control and let my body speak for me and thru me.
MRI results are in. The tumor is stable. No new growth. The profusion shows a decrease in blood flow to the tumor. All in all very good news. I do get a lot of friends asking me what this all means. They ask how its going, how am I doing. And its so hard to …
August 29, 2020. Today I accept.
I accept I have made some bad decisions in my life. And I also accept that some of my worse decisions were sometimes the most fun! The decisions I am making lately don’t seem to rank very high in terms of significance, and yet everyday I choose treatment to my body to suffocate every last …
July 30th 2020. Today I love my best.
I can’t begin today without acknowledging my absence from keeping this journal alive. Just like I noticed this week one of my plants that died because I did not water it enough. Lord knows I had the time. But my drive had faded. I lacked the interest in keeping my beautiful plant thriving. I barely …
July 13th 2020. Today I write.
Because I don’t know what else to do, but write. I try to tell my story, as brief or as long as I can muster the mental capacity. I write all my fleeting thoughts down in a frenzy of how they appear on the lens of my mind. If I pause for too long, the …
Thursday June 18th 2020. Today I am sticking to the facts.
Yesterday I had an MRI. The positive news is that there is a decrease in the foggy areas on the scan. The foggy bits are called exactly that because the physical sensation of having them matches the visual description perfectly. I feel a little foggy. But it is a gross improvement from where I was …
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June 11, 2020. Today I am…
Today I am… Stricken with sadness. I pray for an end to violence and corruption. Attacked by grief. I pray for all the lives taken by Covid and racism. Awakening to injustice. I pray that truth is revealed and justice had for all. Living my life out loud. I pray for all the LGBT community …
May 26th 2020. Today I carry on.
Not much to report, friends. Platelets are low again. So I am starting a reduced dosage Chemo round. There is no need for concern. With all the various treatments I have been through, I am still feeling great in both spirit and mind. I remain masked when I need to leave the house. And all …
May 16th 2020. Today I fantasize.
Like in the novel, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, I feel like I have experienced a real deep sea dive. It is the only way to describe the experience. My fellow divers meet in the prep room, in front of an underwater dolphin mural. We are then wheeled into what I can only describe as …
May 13th 2020. Today I take inventory of my mind, spirit, and body.
I begin with my body. I am feeling at ease in my body. I am relaxed and there is little tension. My coordination and balance are improving with each wonderful session with my physical therapist. And tomorrow at this time, I will be participating in my first hyperbaric chamber treatment. It is a fascinating experience. …
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May 5th 2020. Today I snap back.
After a nice round of some mental rehabilitation therapy yesterday, my words have once again found order in my speech. Texting has gotten easier. And letters have regained their meaning and context. Oh what power the mind is revealing to me. The sheer strength of my will to be fully engaged and charged at the …
Video update
http://www.facebook.com/dslivinski/videos/10222024852752897/ For those of you who don’t have Facebook
April 8th 2020.
Suffered from a very painful Pulmonary Embolism yesterday. In the hospital recovering and getting multiple tests. But I am safe, breathing great, and being cared for by a great team. Love to all!
April 6th 2020. Today I hide.
I wish that wasn’t the only way to avoid getting the deadly virus, but as more lives across the planet are threatened; isolation and containment are our strongest defense. So I dream of a parallel universe, one where love kills this virus. How fabulous would it be if the cure was a good old gin …
March 28th 2020. Today I scream at the top of my lungs “what’s going on?”.
Click the link and sing along. Let it all out! Get Ready to Release
March 17th 2020. Today my platelets are at 279!
From 53 to 279 in one week, I am once again back in the game. Sucks that all this good news means I start another round of chemotherapy tonight, but I’d never been happier to have cancer treatment right now. In the midst of a pandemic where no treatment has yet to be discovered, I …
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March 17th 2020. Today the luck of the Irish has faded.
Is it possible to keep optimism alive as humanity suffers a great deal? Can we be so bold as to smile again and to be thankful for this precious life we have been given? This life was always just borrowed time from the universe. How do we keep the spirit alive, the light a flame, …
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March 13th, 2020. Today I hide.
No really, I have quarantined myself at home. I can not and will not take any chances. And having sacrificed as much as I have already, and fought as hard as I have, I must continue to preserve my health as best as possible. For those who have written to me about blood transfusions for …
Update 8:30pm on Tuesday March 10th.
My bloodwork came back and my platelets are still too low to begin a cycle of chemo. So I have to postpone treatment another week. I will get tested next Monday and go from there.
Tuesday March 10th 2020. Today I wait.
Just a quick update that my father is doing well. He has been home from the hospital for several days and is doing really great. If I didn’t know what he had been through medically, I’d say he is doing better than ever. I guess I know from where I get my resilience. The reason …
Friday March 6th 2020. Today I take a two steps forward and one step back.
My dear followers. Need your thoughts and prayers now for my father. He is in the hospital. He has had several minor strokes, close to 12. It is causing cognitive problems and his blood pressure is through the roof. Medication can help and is our primary source of therapy at this point. And then there …
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Monday March 2nd 2020. Today I reach out.
I have been very quiet these last several weeks. And it’s not because I haven’t wanted to journal, but it’s because I haven’t had the time. Haven’t been busy with trivial life matters and work situations in quite some time. And that is refreshing. I have an oncology appointment on Wednesday of this week. I …
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February 11th 2020. Today I received a gift.
The blue represents the area of my tumor that is dead. The yellow represents tissue that is in the process of dying. And that tiny spec of red are the remaining active cancer cells receiving blood. What does this mean? It means I am winning the battle. It means all the prayers and thoughts are …
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Thursday February 6th 2020. Today I remember.
6 months ago this week, I laid in bed at the Swedish Institute in Seattle. I had just seen the mass in my head projected on a CT scan in my hospital room, and was told I had brain cancer. I remember James buying me a personal sized Key Lime Pie, my favorite. I remember …
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Monday February 3rd 2020. Today I smile.
I smile from my morning espresso. Well, two morning espressos is my new norm. I smile at dawn’s light creeping into my eastern windows. I smile with the singing song birds. I smile at the fact that I am breathing and sustaining my life in that breath. And I smile as the hot water from …
January 28th 2020. Today I went to a support group for brain tumor survivors.
And unexpectedly the meeting had a very adverse effect. I looked around the room, at married couples holding each other’s hands in support, and I just couldn’t hold back the feeling that I don’t deserve this at my age. I felt angry. I felt betrayed in some way. I felt alone. In a room full …
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January 23rd 2020. Today I woke up to order.
There is an order to my life that I could never create on my own. Synchronicities of chance that like x and y in an algebra equation were placed perfectly in balance. These miracle circumstances continue to fill my everyday. And I am blessed with gratitude that I can now see these events as precious …
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January 16th 2020. Today I am no superhero.
I never wanted to be a superhero. But with my brain zapped with radiation and experimental chemo flooding my veins, I feel like I am becoming one with every breath. I’d like to go back to being normal. But a superhero seldom gets to choose, they are chosen. It’s going to take Herculean strength to …
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January 4th 2020. Today I express doubt.
Doubt is an ugly thing. And the last thing I should focus on. But inevitably, those nasty vampires of doubt have snuck into my fortress. So how do I clear them out? I don’t have time for these cursed thoughts to take residency in my brain. Like my mom would have said, “you take baby …
December 27th 2019. Today I keep on keeping on.
As many of you know who follow me closely, today I saw my Neuro-Oncologist. I had an MRI on Monday, which I had hoped revealed some new miracles to behold. But just as my cancer is very slow growing, it is also very slow healing. There has been very little change from a month ago, …
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